Whirlwind

Ahhhhhh—– I haven’t been here in a few weeks! Life has been crazy, up and down.  I have been filling in at the Arrangement while the girls have been out of town and softball has started up again for Will. I wanted to check in with you all and say HI!!  I got a letter yesterday from the bank I applied at: the position has been filled.  It’s okay because I am forging ahead…

Coffeehouse news:  I went to the Small Business Development Center in Abilene a week or two ago and have been feeling not only inspired, but like I finally have some order to my thinking about this whole project. It is A LOT to accomplish but I am more “gung-ho” than ever.  I am thinking that I may spend a couple of weeks in New Jersey working in my Uncle Mike’s coffee shop to learn the biz first hand w/out having to go to barista school. He and my cousins went to a school in VA, so I am going to try and learn from them. Also my other uncle, David, ran a tanning salon for about 5 yrs- so I am going to pick his brain as well and try and get some real numbers to apply to my planning. Am I really going to own and run my own business?!   OMG!

Church: I don’t know if KLF is my (our) church. On one hand, yes of course it is and always will be. KLF is my family. But I am really asking God to show me something because I feel uncertain.  I need direction and clarity.  I don’t need peer pressure, just a word from God. 

Home: Will & I are approaching the one-year mark.  Will was born marked with authority, leadership, and wisdom. The enemy has gone to great lengths to attempt to destroy him. But I know God is so much bigger than that. Maybe I can get him to do a “guest blog” to give his perspective on the past year (not God, but Will). I know for me, this year has been the best and worst year of my whole life. It has also been a time of really getting to know myself and God in ways I have never known either one of us. Trippy.

Ok- have to go in to the shop. Stop by- everything’s on sale this week. Or maybe you need some flowers? Love you guys- maybe I’ll see ya at Becky’s yard sale this weekend.

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We Got Tickets!


 

I am so pumped!  When Prairie Home Companion comes to Abilene in October, we will be there!  I have wanted to see this program live for so long.  Thanks Will, it’s gonna be so fun!

Dry Bones- get up!

 So about an hour after my last post I went to church.  After a great talk, Krissy put on a song. She was asking the Lord to show us some things. I actually am not certain of what she said, but I thought I heard her ask God to show us what He had in mind for us while we were being created- before we even entered the womb; and that He would tell us in a way that we would not forget what He had said. I quickly asked Him to do just that, repeating my identity dilemma to Him (like He didn’t already know)- then I just sat there listening to the music, waiting. 

 Here is what I heard (almost immediately)…..  

God: Restoration. You are a restorer.

Me: !!!!!!!!

God: You recover, repair, and restore.

Me: !!!!!!!! I have always done that !!!!!!!!!!!

God: Not just things-  but also people, ideas, dreams, places, relationships- that have been forgotten, given up, discarded, that man no longer sees value in.  Things, people, ideas, dreams, places, relationships that are broken and seem beyond repair.  You will breathe new life into those things. 

Me: Holy crap, this is amazing- God, that has always been in me.

God: I know. 

I spent a little more time last night and a lot of time today meditating on this.  I have ALWAYS done this with things. Objects.  I have often wondered if I had a bit of a poverty mentality with all of my dumpster diving and Goodwill shopping. But the truth is, I have always been on the lookout for things (clothes, furniture, animals, miscellaneous this and that’s) that needed another chance at greatness and God had that in mind for me from the beginning of time.  But God also started showing me that I know how to do this in relationships now. And He reminded me of a vision He gave me five or six years ago for the city I live in.  A vision that would bring about the type of change that others have given up on seeing.  He sees me as a capable hand in it. Some restoration will come about quickly, some will take a lot of time, energy, patience, and prayer.  He even showed me several things happening in my life right now that I have already applied this gift to.  Big big stuff- big revelation for me. 

Just like that, my mind has been set straight. I don’t just know that I was made to glorify God, but I know the answer to “In what way, God?”  No matter what I “DO”; what my job is, what my hobbies are, the things I try or the goals I set for myself- whatever is or isn’t working out for me, wherever I am on this beautiful planet- – – – beneath it all, like the driving force of my life, I need to be recovering, repairing, restoring- breathing life into…….whatever needs it.  Freaking amazing. Thank you God.

Definition:

What I do does not define me. Or does it? Hmmmmm…..  I have been hanging out just this side of RESTLESS lately.  Understatement of the millennium. Not only have I been getting less rest, I have been fighting off a nasty cold (by cold I mean identity crisis). I keep repeating to myself, “What I do does not define me.”  OK- Then what does?  I don’t ever remember knowing. I mean, I know that my identity is supposed to come from God. Or I am supposed to find my identity in Him.  I am just not sure I have ever found it. I feel like I know where God is………

Let’s break it down:

I am female, woman.  There is a bunch of stuff that just comes bundled inside of that. Like…. the tendency to work things out in relationship. Like…. the desire to care for things and people. Like…. self-image issues that work overtime and change shape with the lighting.  Pretty sure this technically makes me a minority too. 

I am also thirty-something. What is that supposed to look like? Should I be finished college and enjoying the career of my dreams? Should I be married with 2.5 kids? Should I own my own home and have a well-rounded portfolio? (Incidentally, I have NONE of those and I keep asking myself these same questions over and over like opening the refrigerator over and over, hoping something different will be in there if I open the door just one more time.)

I am also divorced. I am in the 50th percentile of all married couples in the world (could I be considered “international”?). In terms of a package-deal, this package spontaneously changes weight.

Let’s talk about some things that I DO:

I “used to” go to work every day at the church. I found a great deal of my identity in that, which I have heard is called a performance mentality. Since I am no longer performing in that capacity, that brings us to HERE. OK- What I DO….. I do laundry (mine & his); I cook; I clean & organize the house; I feed dogs & cats; I wait (for him, for them, for things that aren’t coming, for something to happen, or not happen); I listen; I encourage; I wonder and dream; I scrutinize and ponder. I drive back and forth. I spend money I did not earn. I spend money I did earn. I hope (even when everyone else has stopped). I plan (for things that are real and for things that very likely fall into the category of ‘vain imaginations’)- nonetheless, I plan away.

Okay- I think I am getting nearer to my actual question…. not there yet, but it feels near….

Does what I do change who I am?

Or does who I am change according to what I do?

No, wait, that’s the same question. Does what I do dictate who I am? Or does who I am dictate what I do?

Would Mother Teresa have been who she was if she didn’t do what she did?

Right now, today, what If wait tables? Or tend bar? Who am I?

What if I open my own business and it becomes a raging success? Who am I now?

What if I volunteer my days at St. Jude’s and smoke pot every night? Who does that make me?

Does the “doing” the woman make? Or does one do what they do because of who they are?

What if I am just a dreamer who can’t “get it together” in such a way that dreams will eventually become reality?  What if I am where I am, and I do what I do because that is all there is to me?  Please, no.

Some days I am sure that I am amazing.  Not loved for the things that I do or have done, but because you too believe that the way I breathe in and out is simply amazing.

 And some days… I do not feel that I have any discernible value whatsoever. Pathetic, isn’t it? Maybe that’s the thing, the key.  I have left some some space in my mind or my spirit somewhere for this kind of thinking to creep in and convince me it’s true. I have allowed this person or that person to be in relationship with me for what I DO for them rather than purely for who I am.  

(I just remembered that I have not made the list of things that I know how to do, but do not do regularly)

What are your thoughts on this subject?  Value, identity, doing vs. being…. what you do to battle this kind of thinking… thanks so much.

Since my last post….

I guess it has been a couple of weeks… I am sick today (and yesterday, and the day before that) and I keep going back and forth in  my head over whether today is Tuesday or Wednesday.  Either one sounds fine to me. I spent almost a week at my Dad’s house in Denton.  My sister came down with her offspring, Griffin, here are a few pix:

cool at the pool

 

 

kids love me

kids love me

 

Rub-a-dub-Don't-poop-in-the-tub!

Rub-a-dub-Don't-poop-in-the-tub!

 We also went wedding dress shopping with my sister Brittany. Here’s a pic of her with her fiance Eric (yep- that’s really his name!).

Me, Britt & Amy

Me, Britt & Amy

 

Me & Will

Me & Will

There aren’t any pix of my dad or Charlotte on here b/c they would kill me if I used any of the ones I have. My brother Travis is the best Uncle ever (to Griff). He is not a normal 16 yr old boy. He is sweet & loves to play with Griff. Here they are rocking out to some heavy metal video on YouTube:

 Coffeeshop news: there isn’t any.  It takes a long time to purchase a building from someone who has dementia.  I will press on though, b/c it is the perfect building in the perfect spot.  In the meantime I am considering getting a job at Starbucks so I can actually get paid to learn the biz.  Shhhhh…. don’t tell them that! 

Did I mention I am sick? Being sick makes me mad, it makes me feel guilty and lazy and non-productive.  It also makes my mouth taste yucky.  I need a massage more than anything else in the entire world.  I am out of Jell-O and nothing else tastes good.  And how is it possible that we pay like $100/month for television and NOTHING is on!?  

If I am better by Friday, who wants to come swimming?  BYO snacks & drinks. Let me know.

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