10 years in Texas

Yesterday, July 17th, was the day I moved here 10 years ago. In honor of this anniversary I will list 10 things that have changed my life forever in the past decade:

1- Moved to Texas from Chicago.

2- Found out who Jesus really is.

3- Made friends with girls (the BEST ones ever, you know who you are).

4- Went back to Europe a few times (1st time was actually in ’97).  

5- Got married and divorced.

6- Met Will Stallings (twice).

7- Learned to play an instrument.

8- Forgave the people who hurt me and decided just to love them.

9- Gained and lost 40 pounds.

10- Got out of debt.

By the time I got to number nine, I thought I’d like to make a list of things I would like to see happen in the next ten years:

1- Get married again.

2- Have/adopt children.

3- Build a house with a pool.

4- Learn another language.

5- Get a degree.

6- Vacation on the Mediterranean.

7- Run my own business.

8- Get my teeth fixed. 

9- Go to Paris for Monica’s birthday.

10- See Will get everything he never knew he’s always wanted.

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One of THOSE Days

You know the ones- you realize it’s nearly 11am and you have been sitting in the same spot for 5 hours, zoning in and out of consciousness.  So you jump up and do all the push-ups and squats you can stand, right? Gotta have something to show for that wasted time.  Let’s see, what else can I do? Sweep the floor b/c damn vacuum is broken. Dishe Ironing!  But somehow it takes an hour and a half (same amount of time it took to watch that movie) to do 12 or 15 items. No matter, look how clean the laundry area looks now.  Check email (for what?). Need food, because I need the brain to kick in, but I do not want that exercise to go to waste …. hmmmm….. giant apple, sliced up and eaten slowly with peanut butter.  Tastes better than anticipated. It’s nearly 2p, I really should shower. Where do these days come from? The sun hasn’t even come out yet. In the shower, mind wanders. Shave only one armpit, wash hair twice and scrub face with conditioner. Wait, did I wash my hair? Once more, just to be sure. Okay- it’s nearly 3p now. Hair is dry, face is on and have made plans for 4pm.  Still naked (Oooooo!), but I have blogged (b/c this is important) & I think I know what I want to wear (to hang out with two 8 yr olds and two 11 yr olds).  I am going to eat one more apple and resist the urge to dip it in tequila.  How’s your Monday?

Since the big “D” (and I don’t mean Dallas)

I see most of you now and then and some of you often, but I wanted to release an official statement on how I have been doing as of late.

It has been almost 9 months now and I guess that is fitting b/c I feel a little bit like one process is drawing to a close and a new one may be just around the corner.  Divorce sucks- I do not recommend it and I think I would do almost anything to avoid walking that path again.  January of this year was a tough month for me.  On more than one occasion I found myself in a pile on the floor or in the bottom of the shower just completely losing it. These questions just plagued me…

Why am I doing this?

Why do I feel this way?

I don’t want to go back, but why am I so sad?

Fast forward>>>

through processing, processing, processing >>>

I realize now that I was such a mess because I needed to mourn the death of my marriage.  When I got married I had this grand idea of how it would/should play out. When I left, I didn’t just leave my husband, I aborted those dreams and expectations that I had allowed to grow up inside of me too.  So many hopes and plans I (we) had made were all dying at the same time and there was just no way to anticipate what dealing with that was going to feel or look like. The stench of it all became overwhelming. I was upset and feeling guilty over how my decisions were affecting others involved. I didn’t want to hurt and I didn’t want them to feel hurt.  All this mess swirling and churning about in my guts all at the same time… ick.  It had to come out somehow.

Don’t hear me saying that I wish I hadn’t done it.  I’ve made other changes in my life that were painful to go through as well, but change is a part of life and so is pain. What I am finding to be more and more of a priority for me these days is to ride out the changes and ride out the pain.  To confront it and deal with it as honestly as I can, as it comes.  I do not need to anticipate it, control it, or be afraid of it- God is still in control.  He still loves me, still wants to hang out with me, and still wants the best that He has for me.

I want God too.  I want His way for me and I want us to remain on speaking terms.  Inside of the church-circle or outside of it, His principles really do apply.  Strange how clear that seems to me now.  I have to meet with God in different ways and places than I did before since I no longer am able to clock in and clock out of my salvation every day.  It may not be what I was actually doing, but yes it was also.   I know God was using me greatly where I was, and I LOVED almost every minute of it.  But I loved it for the wrong reasons. I can’t rely on my job performance anymore as a gauge of how good my relationship with God is.  Holy crap- I’m getting a download right now…. how good is your relationship with your boss?  How long will you be able to keep your job if you keep screwing up?  Does he come to your house in the morning, make coffee and ride in with you? Would he have you over for dinner if you didn’t work there anymore? Something inside me always related to God that way—and after how many Grace talks? That “I” gave?

I can’t clock in anymore and wait for a raise or gold stars on my evaluation to tell me where I’m at with the Lord. What a wake-up call.  If I want Him (or WHEN I want Him), I have to call out to Him. I have to find Him, seek Him out.  And I just want you to know that I’m doing it.  Some days successfully, some days UNsuccessfully- but I am seeking Him out.

 “The Shack” (by William P. Young- go read this book!) messed me around- still processing that.  Wow.  What are we reading next?

I love Will Stallings. I live with him and I will marry him the minute he is ready to do that.  And if he isn’t ready, I will wait- but he is it for me.    

Some Sundays we go to church, some Sundays we don’t.  I don’t want to go just because you are supposed to go to church on Sunday.  I don’t want to give because I feel guilty for not tithing.  I want to go because God is doing something that is changing peoples lives and He wants me to be a part of it. And I want to give to that, because of who God is.  I want to be a part of THAT community of believers. My favorite thing in the world (or out of this world) is still seeing what happens when God really grabs someone’s heart and it changes their life. I love His work. It takes my breath away.  

I want to say that I am sorry, Tim Prosser (if you read this or if you do not), for so many things. I am sorry that the things we hoped for didn’t make it. I am sorry that we just couldn’t figure it out.  I want to apologize for not being the wife you had hoped for and for not believing in you the way you needed me to.  I want you to heal and to dream new dreams and chase after them with all of your heart.   

I want to say thank you to Monica, Francesca, Pam, Cherith, Ashley, Brenda, Kristina, Trish, Ginny, Becky, for your friendship and for your honesty. I am sorry that I wanted to tell you how my process should look on you. I love you guys so much and I just thank you and thank God for who you all are. I hope I know you forever. 

Isn’t it time for another girls night?

Electronically Assisted Day-Dreaming

If you like to day-dream about the perfect dream house… decorating and redecorating in your mind, check out www.eplans.com

 It’s so much fun!  Just make sure you don’t have to be anywhere, the time will just fly.

I LOVE this one. Which one is your favorite?

Texting w/Amy

ME: Check out nrwe.wordpress.com

AMY: Whts that?

ME: my new blog

AMY: do u blog about crazy trips and the best snack foods?

ME: do i ever

AMY: ur stoopid

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